I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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