I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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