flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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