I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
