Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
