Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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