I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
