On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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