My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
