Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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