Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
