I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
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Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
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I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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