Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
