I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
