i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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