you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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