Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
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Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
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I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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