so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
