i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
