I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.