You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
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Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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