I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
