Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
