that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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