If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
