I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
