he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
