I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
