dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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