It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
