2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
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Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
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Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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