the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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