he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
