You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
