I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
