Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
