I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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