Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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