do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
