my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
