Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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