meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
