yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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