i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
