I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
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The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
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And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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