I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
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Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
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Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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