I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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