i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
