Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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