I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
