I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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