Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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