everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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