My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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