Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize