i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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