I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign