You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
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closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
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As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.